Let me start by saying this is not a post about the medical industry being good or bad. There are good eggs and there are bad eggs, just as with any other industry out there. And I’m not even saying I’ve had a bad egg, but I can say I feel like I had one who didn’t take time to listen thoroughly to really advocate for me the way they could have. This post is more about the importance of self-awareness and being in tune with yourself.

I’d like to take you through a journey I’ve been silently going through for the past six months.

But to fully emphasize the recent outcome, I have to first take you back to four years ago.

Prior to being in real estate I was in medical sales. I worked remotely in my territory here in the Carolinas, while my company was headquartered in Philadelphia. It’s common practice for field reps to not have an office to report in to weekly, which means we are in control of creating our schedule and routes for the day. We’d have a sales goal to meet - and often exceed since we are largely commission based - so it was obvious that we’d need to create our route to hit up as many offices as we could to secure the best accounts and remain organized in our customer management database with our notes, etc. This was never an issue for me. Then I switched careers and went into real estate. Another self-managed position. I didn’t foresee any issue at all with me being able to transition into being my own boss with the experience I had. However, I quickly noticed how easily distracted I was by all of the things that could be done now that I was a one-gal show.

I decided to discuss this with my primary doctor, whom I had been with now for about two years. As I explained to her what I was experiencing, she asked me if I’d ever been diagnosed as ADHD. I had not. She decided to go through a questionnaire with me and ultimately determined that I did exhibit traits that matched the diagnosis. What next then? She proceeded to advise that we try a medication for this. Years ago I had worked in pharmacy and my job prior to real estate was in the scope of pain medication and addiction therapy. I was familiar with the treatment options. But more than that, I immediately had a concern pop up for me and I knew I’d have to quickly find the courage to tell her. I have to be honest, I’m a little concerned with taking a medication for this because I used to have an addiction issue years ago. She was stunned, “you?!” Of course, when I explained that this was before my son was born and my journey of growth since, she didn’t seem as concerned as I was. I share this because it’s important to note that this is exactly why having a relationship with a physician is so important. She had already had an opportunity to establish a baseline with me in my current season of life. I felt safe with her. I felt like I could be honest with her. I didn’t hide it because I knew I’d need to speak this into reality so that I’d have an advocate on my side to pay attention to any extra signs if I were to fall prey into this again in my life. She explained that she’d start me on a medication called Vyvanse because it is indicated as a lower potential for abuse and it’d be a once a day medication, which both were important to me. She wanted to start at 20mg and I asked if that was the lowest dose. It wasn’t, so I asked for the lowest dose to start. We soon realized that the 10mg wasn’t enough and she did increase me to the 20mg, which I was on for about 6 months before moving to the 30mg where I remained from that point on.

After beginning the Vyvanse treatment I noticed several things that had improved aside from becoming more focused. I quickly began sleeping better. This included falling asleep within only a couple of minutes after laying down. This was a remarkable change. For years I pretty much needed to take an Ativan at night to get my thoughts to stop long enough so I could actually sleep. I used to struggle staying asleep throughout the night, therefore never feeling rested. That went away for me. My conversations used to squirrel into a hundred different directions that always led to “I’m not sure what I was saying when I started this” and felt consistently like I couldn’t keep my thoughts together. My stress and anxiety levels reduced after beginning this medication treatment. I felt more energized to start a daily workout routine. I would typically get up during the week around 5:30a, workout, then read, then journal, then get ready for my day. I was far more organized. I ate three consistent meals a day. And I was still able to notice if I started to feel any adverse effects. For me, that meant that every now and then it would seem like I was scattered again. So I would take the weekend off from my medication to allow myself to kind of reset. That worked so well.

I remember telling my doctor that I felt such a difference in myself, as if I was finally living at capacity. That it made me wonder if all those years of doctors trying me on this SSRI or that SNRI for anxiety/stress (that never worked well) could have been avoided if someone had just stopped to ask the right questions. I never wanted to take Ativan regularly. It dulled me. Not to mention that it was always too late. By the time I realized I’d need it, the spiral would have already begun. I finally felt like I was living into myself. As if I’d had a chemical imbalance and it was finally balanced now with this treatement.

Nearly three years ago I started in therapy again. I’m no stranger to therapy. I spent the majority of my years between 15-22 in therapy of some sort. This time it would be for marriage counseling. This is when I believe I really began working on self-awareness. In order to better communicate in a relationship, you first have to notice that you’re feeling something triggered within your mind or body. Fast forward and I began individual therapy twenty-three months ago with an amazing therapist, who I am so grateful for. My first session with her I stated that I just felt so disconnected with myself; as if I didn’t even have a gut feeling anymore. It became so important to me to be able to start listening to myself and what my body is telling me. I’ve worked very hard at this with her weekly. Over the last couple of years I have learned to lean in and trust what my body is telling or showing me, even if I don’t yet know the cause or reason. It’s a tough thing to do but I work on practicing it in many little ways.

Unfortunately, in April of 2021 I learned that my doctor was not returning from her maternity leave. This devastated me. I likely took it even harder because it was the same month of our separation. I just wasn’t pleased at all with yet another change, one so far out of my control. Nonetheless, I couldn’t do much about it so I found a new doctor closer to my workplace and began there. Then in November that doctor temporarily left for her maternity leave. UGH. I mean, I totally understand that women have babies and should get to stay home with them and I could avoid this with a male doctor but MEH.

So that brings us to the last six months.

In January I had to begin a new insurance plan as a result of my divorce. When I went to fill my prescription for Vyvanse it was denied. As a result of so much therapy I immediately chose not to stress out. I knew it wasn’t in my control and I surrendered to the process. This wasn’t the first time it needed a prior authorization so I wasn’t too concerned. I figured it’d get approved. And then it didn’t. The out of pocket cost was nearly $500 per month. Nope. Can’t do that. So while my new doctor was still away on maternity leave, one her of physician assistants prescribed me Adderall. Instead of stressing out, I encouraged myself to surrender to the process once more. I told myself that for all I knew, it may work just as well, if not better. After all, I had only ever tried the Vyvanse, so it’s possible. At this point I had been without any medication for about ten days so when I started the low dose of Adderall and I reported back my symptoms I was honestly able to say that it seemed better than when I wasn’t on anything but definitely not working as well as my Vyvanse did. So he increased the strength after two weeks. Y’all. Let me tell you, that Adderall was not good for me. I was extremely unmotivated. I suddenly became extremely agitated. Frustrated far more often than I was used to. If something frustrating came up, it was like my brain couldn’t get out of the loop to let it go and just stayed fixated on it. I was not functioning. It was becoming frustratingly debilitated. I stopped going in to my office because I felt like I was just a distraction for my assistant. I reported the symptoms back to the physician. He opted to refill the same strength while trying to get the prior authorization approved once more for my Vyvanse now that I’ve tried something else and it wasn’t working as well. It was denied again.

By this time we were into late February.

I was feeling so unmotivated in my work, but at the time was not contributing it to the medication. Instead, I was doing what I’ve learned to do really well. I evaluated and analyzed. I started looking at all areas of my life.

Sure, I had just gone through a divorce. I had bought a condo in October to use as a short-term rental property and was actively, hands-on, renovating it with my handyman. I had also found other sources of distraction that were bringing me joy. And then the holidays came and had hit me really hard. I took notice that I needed to give myself permission to feel those hard feelings so I could release them from my body. Then the first week in January I went on a solo trip to Italy that was life-changing. It really was. It showed me that I could do big travel on my own. That I did in fact have it in me and didn’t need anyone else to share it with. It showed me a new side of myself that I wasn’t sure I was capable of. It showed me that there was more to my future life that I wanted to experience rather than just hustle in my work. It made me evaluate the areas of joy in my business as well as the things that suck my energy.

In my efforts to evaluate those areas, I recognized that I was struggling to organize my thoughts. This is not normal for me. You see, I had been working so hard at recognizing that I in fact have a slight superpower that not everyone has. I didn’t know that everyone didn’t have the skill set to see all the side steps of potential paths when trying to get from A to Z. I’ve described it to others in the past that my brain often is like a whiteboard (except in my head it’s actually a clear glass but you get the picture better if I say whiteboard). And on that whiteboard I can see many of the steps that we’d have to take to get from A to Z and if-this-then-that type scenarios. But suddenly, I couldn’t see my whiteboard. I couldn’t keep my thoughts organized. This was happening simultaneously as the medication changes, but I didn’t see any connection yet. Instead, I went to my favorite resource, Amazon, and ordered some peel and stick whiteboard to put on a blank wall in one of my unused rooms in my home. I got large colored sticky notes and started working on a visual vin diagram of sorts. I needed a place to visually organize my thoughts to try to see the direction I needed to go. On the inside, this frustrated me. Nonetheless, I just chalked it up to thinking it was because I was learning that there was more to life than just working. Of course, I discussed this with my therapist regularly. We noted that I’d been in survival mode for so long (since teen years) and I had likely been using my work as a distraction from the struggles in my marriage and now without these things, I was becoming awakened to other things that bring me joy. This is certainly true. However, I was still struggling to find motivation to get up and do the things that were necessary to drive my business. This is not a good thing when you have an employee and when you’re now the sole income earner for your home. I was struggling with pressure, shame, and generally just feeling lost. Additionally, I noticed that my conversations were beginning to squirrel again. I wasn’t able to sleep as well. I would eat a whole bag of Takis in one setting. Hell, I was eating all day pretty much. And I couldn’t get out of bed. Legit couldn’t get out of bed. I’d have to force myself to get up come 8:00am. Never mind an exercise routine. There was no time nor any motivation for it.

My doctor came back from maternity leave in March and we had a virtual appointment. She began with “So you’re needing your Adderall refilled?” I exclaimed No! right away. I told her I desperately needed off this medication, that it was not working well for me at all. It was making me angry, agitated and overall very much unlike myself. She proceeded to suggest we couple it with an anti-depressant. As soon as she said that, I burst into tears. I was not feeling heard at all. I felt so defeated. Here I had been working so damn hard at knowing myself and my body. I knew at my core that it would not be the right treatment. I reacted in the same fashion that the Adderall had been causing so many other times, in a very frustrated tone and explained that “I am not depressed! Sure, I’ve just gone through a divorce and the holidays were hard, but I work on that shit with my therapist. I know myself and I’ve tried almost all of the SSRIs and SNRIs and they do not do the job. I understand I’ve never tried the combined therapy with Adderall but I am telling you that this drug is not right for me!” I’m sure I came across slightly crazy. It’s such an oxymoron to be crying and simultaneously telling a doctor that I am not depressed. But the instant she had suggested a combo therapy my body just immediately reacted, and I knew it wasn’t right. And it made me feel like I was on the edge of taking so many steps backward at a time I desperately needed to move forward. I begged for an alternative. So she decided to try Concerta. We started at 18mg.

Let me pause here. If you’ve never had to try to find the right medication therapy before then you should know that you have to basically try the medication for about two weeks to give it the opportunity to get into your system and level out. Those first days are also making sure you don’t have any adverse effects or allergic reactions. It’s a tiered system before increasing strengths or number of doses. It is time consuming.

So here we are on the 18mg Concerta. My reports back to the doctor are that it’s not making me as angry or agitated as the Adderall. A huge plus but it still wasn’t like my Vyvanse. So she decides to increase it to 36mg. Yay. Here goes another two weeks. When taking the 36mg I would feel short of breath for about the first three hours after taking it. It was rough. I couldn’t make my calls. If I didn’t have a list or detailed schedule for the day, I’d still be easily distracted. But hey, I wasn’t angry or stuck in a loop with my frustrating thoughts. These are wins. But aren’t they also basic necessities for your day to day? I’d try taking it first thing in my morning to try to get past that hump before going in to the office (when I could get myself together for that). When I described this to my therapist she was concerned. She began to check on me and one morning she text me and I told her I was still working through the last bit of my shortness of breath hours and she advised I message my doctor. So I did and had another virtual appointment. We discussed trying the prior authorization again for Vyvanse now that I had tried two different medications and a total of four strengths. She dropped the dose back down to 18mg while we waited for the insurance.

I continued to evaluate. In March I left my business coach and went back to my old coach. I believe that a part of me was trying to get back a sense of something that I knew worked. At the same time, I knew in my gut it was the right business move. Then I let go of my assistant, who is also a dear friend. This was difficult. Thankfully, she had been able to observe the struggles I was going through and fully understood and supported me first and foremost as a friend. She is one of the very few that truly knows this journey that I’ve been on with all of the this. I packed up my office in Southpark and moved my office back to home. I drastically took a step back in my business while I was working to evaluate a new direction. So many changes. I was desperately trying to figure out what it was that I was dealing with and find my motivation again.

They denied the Vyvanse once again. I was devastated. She told me that the insurance said I’d need to try two more drugs again before they “may” cover it. Which also meant likely two strengths of both medications. At this point it’s the beginning of April. I was so disappointed. And exhausted with it all. I started to question if the Vyvanse was even the better medication or was it in my head because I didn’t like the changes. Was I just remembering a better version of me that didn’t exist anymore now after these other life changes? I decided to just stick with the Concerta. The shortness of breath had subsided to a tolerable level and eventually did dissipate. But I was still constantly eating. Still struggled to fall asleep. Couldn’t get myself out of bed in the mornings. Everything was changing all at once in my internal world. Nothing seemed as it was. But I knew I couldn’t keep changing medications and spend the next several months like this. I’d have to learn to live through this with this as the new normal.

Then I received a letter in the mail in May that my physician was leaving the Novant practice. What the actual fuck.

So I’d have to start all over again with a new physician. This was not making me happy.

I turned to Facebook. I asked for recommendations but the very thought of starting all over with another physician just frustrated me. So I private messaged my old physician and asked her if she happened to be practicing anywhere yet. She graciously replied that she had just started at a practice in Matthews one day a week. I quickly called and scheduled an appointment for about ten days away, just in time for a medication refill.

When I saw her I had to catch her up. Divorce and medication changes and all. I shared pretty much everything with her that I’ve shared with you. I explained that it felt like my life had been flipped upside down and I was just having to learn to live like this but I didn’t feel like myself. I shared that I had to sleep with my blinds and curtains open just to help with forcing myself to get up early enough to be on time for that appointment. That I’d layed in bed and put in three different reminders in my calendar for the next day because my brain wouldn’t turn off. I explained that I’d gained ten pounds in the last four months. Sure, I’m petite and ten pounds is noticeable in my jeans, but I wasn’t telling her I felt fat, just an observation. I explained that I would eat a whole tub of hummus in one setting. Sometimes I could force myself to put it away, not because I couldn’t keep eating, but just to be cost effective. After sharing these small things that were just in the list of changes I had noted in myself she asked me if I felt like I had been binge eating. I kind of laughed and said, well if you consider a whole big bag of chips at once binge eating then I guess so. She said, “It’s obvious the Concerta isn’t working for you. And if the Adderall didn’t work too then I certainly don’t want to try you on the Focalin or Dexadrine. Vyvanse is the only medication clinically indicated for binge eating and I’m wondering if we might be able to try that as a diagnosis for it instead of only ADHD. Let’s work through a quick questionnaire.” So she asked me a series of questions, to which I replied honestly. Se felt we had enough to give the diagnosis a chance. She assured me that if I heard the med was denied then let her know right away the same day and she’d send in a letter to the insurance company and not mess around with just a prior authorization. She expressed that she’d do everything she could to not let the insurance company be the doctor in this decision. I left the office feeling hopeful. I felt heard. I felt like I had picked right up with my doctor and felt in my gut that she was going to partner with me in this fight.

The insurance immediately denied the medication and I messaged her. I went on with my day trying not to obsess and let her do her thing. I checked my portal a few hours later and there was a message from the team that the medication had been approved. I was skeptical. I called the pharmacy and asked them to re-run it through to see if it gets covered. When the pharmacy tech said casually, “Yep, it went through. We’ll get it ready for you” I burst into tears. Now let me state, I’ve been the tech on the other end of the line before and someone’s reaction like that can come across very moving or very much like an addict. But it was an involuntary reaction for me. I expressed apologies for my reaction but that this was the most relieving news I’d had in a very long time; that I’d been going through a journey with this and my life had been very altered during it all. She was kind and listened and I messaged my doctor and confirmed it was approved and thanked her for being so passionate about patient advocacy and for truly listening to me and my symptoms.

The next morning I went to the pharmacy as soon as they opened and picked up my medication. On the way home I found myself crying with joy and relief with the bottle in my hand. Then another wave of emotion hit me. Fear. I was scared that this was dependency. This was a sign of addiction. That is a very scary feeling for me with my past. It’s something that I worked to overcome and certainly never want to re-live. So I reflected. I turned inward. I came home, took my medication and started writing. Next thing I knew, I looked up and an hour had gone by. My stomach was growling so I got up to make my protein shake. Then returned to my computer to continue to write. I hit enter on the keyboard and it all disappeared. WTF. I was frustrated. But I didn’t stay stuck in it. I had felt better just by working through my emotions with what I had gotten out. I contemplated starting all over again. Instead I messaged chat support with Wix. I expressed my frustration and asked them to escalate it to get my draft back that was supposed to have been autosaving. Then I moved on with my day. And something I realized was that this wasn’t addiction. It was me knowing my body. It was me knowing that my body was feeling the relief of something I’d known since January. There was an existing chemical imbalance in my brain and this medication assisted in leveling that out back in 2018. So yes, there was yet another imbalance once it was taken away from my brain, but this time also fed with other medications that caused other symptoms. I just needed to get back to my healthy balance. And now with the medication finally covered I could already see the difference.

I didn’t get stuck in a loop of frustration. I moved forward with my tasks. I felt like me. On day one.

The next morning I woke up by 7:00 and felt refreshed and rested. I stayed on task with my activities. I ate like a normal person.

It’s now been ten days. I fell asleep as soon as I laid down to. I slept in over the weekend. I’ve followed my calendar. I’ve felt more like myself in these last ten days than I have in a long time.

I’ve had multiple moments where I pause and am so grateful for my doctor’s period of rest after her maternity leave. She refreshed herself. She waited until she found an office she could return to where she felt appreciated. And I get the benefits of that. She actively listened to me. She knew me before Vyvanse and during Vyvanse and now was seeing me after. She insisted on advocating for me.

I think about how many times over the last six months that I silently have battled feeling so “off” and so frustrated that I couldn’t find my motivation when that’s unlike me. The amount of times I’ve secretly wondered and stressed that it’s a medical imbalance but knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it so there was no need to fixate on it. I’d worked so hard to release the things I had no control over, so why would this be any different. I had tried to advocate for myself but the insurance was dictating the path of my physical and mental health. I couldn’t dwell on it. There wasn’t time because I had such little energy as it was there was no sense on spending it on those thoughts. But I just didn’t feel right. The simple relief I had felt the day the pharmacy said the medication went through - before even taking that first dose. I felt relief knowing that this was one thing that was in my life when things were working so well. I mean, I had been on Vyvanse though the initial stages of my separation and divorce and was still able to move forward. I was relieved to just get back an aspect that I knew then I could rule that out and truly be able to then focus on my true motivations and desires.

I didn’t realize the weight I carried of that silent distress until the first few days of being back on Vyvanse. I get emotional when I think about it. I kept pushing myself the best I could while also being very mindful that I was doing work to relieve pressure in my life and to just listen to what my body needed. When my body said I needed to stay in bed and take my work day easy, I did that. It’d often mean I’d have to work to not shame myself too. All of this takes mental energy too. Mental energy takes up your physical energy. It’s a vicious cycle.

So now that I’ve been waking up naturally around 6:30-7:00am and feeling refreshed, I don’t take it for granted. I appreciate the awareness. I feel a sense of validation. It feels affirming to know that I do in fact know my body. That I can trust the feelings I have. That I am capable of recognizing what is out of my control and attempting to find a new norm within those environments. I feel at ease knowing that I am back with a doctor who genuinely cares. I feel at ease that through all of this I kept up the work with my therapist, leaning on her more than ever, trying to make sense of it all. I feel a newfound sense of relief knowing that I can do so many hard things. The trust I can have in myself knowing that I won’t give up. I’ll keep going even when everything internally feels off. The trust that I’ve chosen in the universe to allow this to be yet again another experience that will help me in this journey called life. I could easily dwell in all the things that have changed in my life over the last six months. I took major steps back in my business. In my goals. In the things I’d been working so damn hard to build for the last four years. But I knew I had to. No matter the reason, in that moment I had to do what I thought was best for me, both mind and body. I needed a break. I listened and followed those needs.

I’m more than ever grateful for the support team I have around me. For my therapist who has been an amazing mental health partner with me and will continue to be. She has unconditionally supported my ups and downs and helped guide me through acknowledging my emotions with acceptance and not shame. For my friend Su, who helped keep my business moving forward as my assistant when I was barely showing up. And who has continued to show up for me as my friend even after I let her go from my payroll. She has shown me what true friendship is and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. For my coaches who helped me work through the changes and helped me identify passions that were under the surface all along and allowed me to see a possible future path that will truly fulfill me. They’ve given me a space to navigate this without pressure to hit other numbers and grow, grow, grow. To my old/new doctor for actively listening and knowing how to apply it to another indication for the medication that worked so well for me and showing me that things can get done when you know how to do them right. She wasted no time.

I recognize that there were things that I needed to discover during these last six months that I don’t know how much would’ve happened without that one catalyst. It’s fascinating how the dominoes fall in life. I truly choose to believe that they happen for a reason. I recognize that this medication will not make everything go back to the way it was before the beginning of the year. There are things I’ve learned about myself that can’t become unknown. I know now that I do have other things in life that bring me joy. That there are other paths to my life that I want to pursue that will bring out my passions and help me impact others in a way that will make me feel more fulfilled. There are relationships that I want to nurture in more intentional ways. There are places I want to go and see. There are other ways of living life than just that of hustle and work hard. There’s more than one way to do this thing we call life. I needed the breather. It was a breather I didn’t know I needed until I was forced into it. All the other skills I’d been learning up until January were necessary to help get me through these last several months. If I hadn’t already massaged those muscles, I know these last several months could have been much harder than they were. Some of the changes that occurred over the last six months were necessary. This is all just a part of my story.

Life is a journey and while we may have setbacks it’s key to see that there is always something to be learned. Self-awareness is one of the most valuable skills I think we can develop and nurture. Without it, we aren’t able to see the lessons. To identify the positives out of the lessons. To reflect on how they change us, for the good or the bad. Self-awareness allows us to check in with ourselves and to become tuned in to our body’s needs. This is invaluable.

Our health care system is broken. The very people who had a dream to help others are tired. They’re overworked. They’re understaffed. They need support. It’s only with the right support and rest can they all show up their best and actively listen. I’d love to see our country get to a place where its healthcare isn’t dictated by insurance reimbursements alone. It scares me to think of this same thing happening to someone who didn’t have access to mental health therapy. Without that access an individual would not have developed the coping skills and awareness tools that I’ve been actively working on. The trickle effect is rapid. Even for someone like myself.

I’m ecstatic to be back on track. I’m grateful I am privileged enough to be able to afford health insurance that is now finally covering my medication. I’m hopeful to see what I can build now with my newfound self-discoveries and back to being able to reach my full capacity. It feels empowering to be back to myself.

So I encourage each of you, work on your awareness skills. Pay attention to what your body and gut are telling you. If you feel so disconnected with that, seek out a therapist to partner with you in building and strengthening that skill. Advocate for your health. Trust that you know yourself. Take each day one at a time when you’re struggling. Give yourself grace. And for the love of everything, reach out and don’t suffer silently. There are more of us going through something similar than we think. I wish I had only engaged with more people to help myself feel connected during the stress. And since that’s part of what I learned, I’m sharing my experience with you so you can know that I’d be happy to be a part of your support system!