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Divorce and Your Social Life:
Divorce and Your Social Life: What to Expect and 7 Practical Steps to Move Forward
Author:Â Jamie Milam
Date: August 21, 2024
Divorce brings a lot of changes to your life.
There's the most obvious one—the loss of a spouse, partner, and the future you'd envisioned together—but there are other changes (good and challenging) that happen, too: new routines, interpersonal dynamics, different living situations, time for hobbies, the potential for new romance... the list goes on.
But there's one change that's almost guaranteed to happen and yet we don't always talk about it: changing friendships. Your social circles will shift after a divorce. In many ways, this is a beautiful opportunity to build stronger relationships with those you're closest to or find new friends for a new phase in your life.
But there's a challenging side to it as well. In particular, if you're part of a suburban community where your spouse and kids informed the majority of your social life, you'll certainly notice a change post-divorce. Perhaps you'll notice some tension in choosing "sides" or you simply don't have as much to relate to the same people anymore.
These are all real experiences and we need to talk about it.
Let's explore some stories of how divorce impacted friendships and offer seven practical steps to move forward positively.
My Story: Gratitude for Friendships
I'd like to start with a personal story—a story of gratitude for friendship in my life post-divorce. I was recently at a close friend's going-away party and she said something to me that I will hold dear to my heart for years to come...
But first, for context, this friend met me while I was married—we did the married couple's friends get-togethers, had the multi-family cul-de-sac parties, the whole nine yards. Fast forward five years, and she became a member of my professional team just three months before my marital separation and remained a part of the team for the following year—she was with me during those initial post-divorce months. Even after dismantling my team, she remained a close friend and confidant.
We had a similar background in our younger adult years, which has always been a connection point. But at that going-away party, she told me that she relates to me not just for our similar backgrounds but for my willingness to face it—and any other hardship that surfaces—and put in the work to embrace and understand it.
She expressed that she was grateful to be able to witness and experience my willingness to work through therapy and to continue to understand myself more and address my own shortcomings - even after the divorce was finalized. She shared that she felt she'd become more self-aware just by being around me and, for that, she thanked me.
To have that sort of impact on a dear friend, just by going through these ups and downs that I'd have to face anyway, made me feel like the pain and frustration I've experienced as a part of my divorce had a purpose. It had meaning.
Having friends stand by your side the way she has through the last few years—seeing me at my best and worst—is amazing. I just don't have words to describe the fulfillment I receive from that.
Two Sides of the Coin: How Friendships Can Change
My experience has demonstrated how friendships can blossom and bloom post-divorce. Some of your most beautiful experiences with dear friends will happen post-divorce. You'll likely connect with some people in new and deeper ways post-divorce.
And, well, there's another side to it. Friendships also shift and change in a way you don't always want. You might drift away from some or feel like you don't completely fit in anymore.
Both experiences are valid, and it's so important to have these conversations to normalize them—and it's exactly what we're doing over on the Divorced and Determined AF podcast. Two recent episodes specifically illustrate different experiences with friendship after divorce.
Episode 67Â is an interview with Rosa Sprinkle who was married for 12 years and a stay-at-home mom of four. Throughout her marriage, Rosa lacked adult interaction and felt subordinate in the relationship, largely unable to pursue a life outside of her husband and kids. She was able to see how this was an unhealthy marriage and eventually made the decision to leave for a healthier life. She knew she needed something more.
Post-divorce, Rosa has socially thrived. With the help of supportive friends and a therapist, she started taking important steps to try new experiences, meet new friends, and pursue hobbies. Her story is an inspiration to all women experiencing divorce: there is life on the other side of this, ready for you to seize! It's not always easy, but it is possible to change and grow in any new season of life.
In contrast, episode 68 looks at a different side of things, one that's more challenging. Because while it's possible to meet new friends and build your social life again like Rosa did, the truth is that it usually comes after a period of change, loss, and grief. Your friendships often change or may even end.
Social circles shift after divorce, especially if you are living in suburbia with kids. It can be a struggle to find your footing again once you're not part of a family unit in the same way.
This was my experience in many ways. For example, I used to host a book club at our house, but after our divorce, it just felt overwhelming and I strayed away from the consistency of it. In hindsight, I wish I had spoken out and asked someone else to take over the hosting so I could continue to be supported by that group of people and have a distraction. But I felt overwhelmed and didn't have the energy so the relationships and dynamics of the group shifted.
I also discuss in the podcast episode how confusing and hurtful it was when some friends didn't show up in a way I needed. Some people don't know how to be there for you during a separation or divorce, and it's really, really hard. You may question the friendship—or all your friendships—and have to grieve the relationship.
7 Tips to Build Positive Friendships Post-Divorce
Divorce is a chance for a new life and so much personal growth. But it doesn't come without pain, loss, and disappointment. And this tension needs to be held and honored when approaching something like friendships post-divorce.
You're likely going to experience the whole range of emotions, and that's okay. It's normal. But the mindset you have and the choices you make will determine how your future will go.
So if you're looking for a flourishing, healthy social life post-divorce, keep these tips in mind:
1. Acknowledge where you've been: From Rosa's story, we hear how burnout and exhaustion as a stay-at-home mom are real and common, especially if you're socially isolated or don't have much adult interaction. Whether you have the same story or something different, it's important to acknowledge where you were in your marriage so you can take steps to heal and grow from it post-divorce.
2. Accept all emotions: Along the same lines, it's important for you to recognize what you've been through, to feel it, and accept all the emotions that come up. This is where a therapist can be so helpful—you can talk things out and really unpack what you're going through to move forward in a healthy way.
3. Find your support system: This is crucial. Again, in Rosa's story, we learn about how she had a church community that rallied around her, an extroverted neighbor who helped her meet others and could relate to her divorce experience, and a therapist to talk everything through with.
4. Say yes to different experiences: Treat everything like an experiment to see what you like and what you don't. Be consistent in trying new experiences, whether it's game nights, hikes, or open mic comedy nights. Tap back into the things you love and start doing them again. You'll reconnect with yourself and likely meet others along the way.
5. Prioritize self-care: This should always be a priority, but it's never more important than it is during a season of separation or divorce. Of course, self-care looks really different for each person, so choose things that give you life. I encourage you to check in with what your body and mind need at different times—it could be Netflix on the couch one day, and a walk with a close friend another day.
6. Take time to rediscover yourself: You have an opportunity here to reconnect with the things you love, the activities you've never been able to pursue, and the people you really want to connect with. You can start to step into your identity beyond being a wife (and mother). It's tough, I get that. You're so used to doing family-oriented things that it may feel weird or selfish to do things just for yourself. But I promise, there is so much joy in it. One thing I rediscovered after my divorce was EDM shows—they bring me LIFE! What's your thing going to be?
7. Redefine your community: There may be places and spaces you used to go to that no longer feel comfortable. So, seek out spaces where you're welcomed and valued. A new yoga class or gym, an online community like the P.E.A.C.E. of Mind Initiative, a local community garden... whatever works for you, join in and redefine your community!
Like everything related to divorce, there's no roadmap for this. There's no "right" way to approach friendships. But there are a ton of small changes, mindset shifts, and actions that will help set you up for the best new life you can experience.
Friendships will shift after divorce—probably in hard ways and good ways. And if you can learn to expect and accept these changes, you can experience more growth, connection, and life than ever before!
To strengthening friendships,
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Jamie Milam is a Realtor® in the Charlotte, NC area, licensed in both NC & SC, and has the ability to refer you to a number of agent partners across the nation, regardless of where you may live. She is an enthusiast for the power of awareness and believes it can be used in all facets of life to support aligned living.
**Disclosure** This post may contain affiliate links and they are at no additional cost to you, though I may earn a small commission. Don't worry, I only recommend products or services that I have tried or believe would be of great value to you! All opinions expressed are those of my own!
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